Bulletproof Video Game Reviews: Election Special!

By Tom Greene

Well, in case you haven't noticed, this edition of the Mountaineer is our official edition for the 2004 Election. Our video game reviews will try to get in on the action as well, using the traits of different games to predict how the election will turn out. Unfortunately I couldn’t get my hands on political games like “The Political Machine” and “Doonesbury: the Election Game.” Undaunted, however, I decided to simulate this year's election using decidedly more...abstract views, in what I like to call the 2004 Presidential Election Video Olympics.

The rules are simple: I take a few fairly well-known video games, choose competing elements in the games that are representative of Bush and Kerry (sorry, Nader fans, but there's usually only two spots for this...), set both of them on "CPU v. CPU", and let the machine decide who'll win. Whoever wins the game totals gets the nod as the Bulletproof pick for winner of this year's Election. Having explained the rules, let's start with the battles.

BATTLE #1: All-Star Baseball 2005 (All consoles- X-Box used)

Since the Election of our officials is one of the most American things out there, why not have our first battle in America's national pastime, namely, video baseball? For this battle, the details are somewhat straightforward: Representing George Bush was the MLB team he formerly owned (the Texas Rangers), and representing John Kerry was the MLB team from the state he's the Senator of (the Boston Red Sox.) In order to give neutral ground to the teams, the game's simulated stadium in Washington, D.C. was used as the home base.
Game Results: The Red Sox started strong throughout the game. However, a late run by the Rangers gave the Texas Rangers a 4-3 win by the computer and George W. Bush the victory in this event.

Bush 1, Kerry 0.

BATTLE #2: Raw 2 (X-Box)

With the escalation of independent groups launching smear campaigns on each other (usually making the other look like a wimp), this election in particular has felt less like an election and more like promos before a wrestling match. What better way to simulate that than to actually have a wrestling match between the two candidates (or some reasonable facsimiles?) For this part of the battle, we simulated a steel-cage match between avatars for each of the two workers. George Bush was represented by WWE superstar Bradshaw, a wrestler known in the WWE for his highly right-wing politics. John Kerry countered with Christopher Nowinski, a worker who preached left-wing ideals during his last run in the ring.

Results: After a grueling 3-minute cage match (apparently a small amount even off TV), Bradshaw pulled out a hard-fought win for his avatar.

Bush 2, Kerry 0.

BATTLE #3: March Madness 2000 (PS1)

This time I went a little older-school and decided to go with March Madness 2000 for our third battle. This led to some more fun, as since both Bush and Kerry are from the same alma mater, a match up between Yale University and a video game clone (due to his incumbency, Bush represented the home team, while Kerry represented the away team). This led to some weirdness, but also naturally led to one of our most evenly matched games so far.

Results: After a hard-fought game, the Home version of Yale beat the Away version of Yale, 32-27.

Bush 3, Kerry 0.

BATTLE #4: Hollywood Mogul (Shareware, PC)

This time, I took a popular shareware game called “Hollywood Mogul,” created "movies" and gave them equal resources for making their movie, allowed each movie to fully develop, and checked which movie made more money.

Results: "The George W. Bush Story" only managed to take in roughly $9.3 million worldwide, while "The John Kerry Story" managed to take in $9.38 million.

Bush 3, Kerry 1.

Battle #5: WCW Thunder (PS1)

For our final battle, I chose something telling of the election. Since Bush vs. Kerry might be one of the least-appealing elections on both sides, I thought it fitting to finish up this battle than by pitting them in WCW Thunder, a game that has been argued as one of the worst games of the modern era of video gaming. Using wrestles who share each of the candidates’ basic personalities, Kerry was The Disciple (a somewhat poor worker who flip-flopped in allegiance regularly during his WCW stint), while Bush drew Tony Schiavone (because if you need to find someone to represent the man who might be the dumbest man alive, you can't go wrong with the person who was behind WCW giving David Arquette the World Championship.)

Results: Suprisingly, the match up was balanced. However, interference by Chris Benoit led Tony Schiavone to manage to pull off a surprising count-out victory over The Disciple.

After conducting these "highly scientific" studies, the final score (and thus, the Bulletproof prediction) was Bush 4, Kerry 1. This may seem a little inaccurate, but come on: it's roughly as valid as 90% of the predictions for the election out there, right? Until next time, stay l33t, Green Mountain College...